Memories

There is always something about her, she always made me to dream big and maybe that's the reason I still love to dream. So, here's to you darling and for the memories we created.

She painted my heart,
With the red of her lips,
Making it permanent through my skin,
On to my heart beats.
Saying, "I want world to know I live here."
I held her close,
so close
our hearts were beating together,
with the same pace,
slow,
slow,
and then getting on fire,
I let her show me I'm hers,
She let me find me in her,
I searched for love in her eyes,
It was all in there, infinite
eternal,
Her eyes had everything for me,
I knew I will never let her go.

Tonight, amidst these celestial bodies,
I feel like sky,
vast, infinite, with so much of people around me,
yet alone, like infinity more so ever.
She left me next day,
what she doesn't know
the mark of her lips are still impressed on my heart,

she didn't take 'em away.

Normal Days #25

I don't Wanna Miss A Thing

Today is Holi, a festival of colors, which I used to play enthutsiastically when I was a kid & today I'm here millions of miles away, with ppl who don't even know what this festival even mean. I'm feeling homesick. It has been almost 5 years since I was at home for this festival. I'm always away from home for all big festivals. Last year also I missed Holi along with Deepawali, in case you're wondering what these are, please just google 'em. I'm not in mood to explain.

So, I'm here at Arabian Gulf, in Zakum Field (as per ADMA-OPCO oil fields division) missing all the holidays, feeling nostalgic & in morning my mums calls to wish me the festivities & says she misses me. What am I supposed to do other than think if it is worth all of the separation? Then I go out, see the sea getting rough, the blue color of the ocean suddenly turning green & as I look out from my window I see WHT (Well Head Tower) & across it waves playing catch up with each other, then I sigh & feel a lil content that there's nothing better than this. I'm at the place where only a few guys can be. I'm working in Oil & Gas industry, I'm in the middle of ocean, amongst vast horizons & then I know 9-5 isn't for me.

I mean where else I can feel the ocean winds along with guys around me talking about the shutdown of current oil tower we are at. I mean it is not like I don't like other jobs, I do but I'm here, amongst all the awesomeness nature can shower upon me. The only thing I regret is I can't take pics. I wish I could share with whole world how amazing this world is but coz of some stupid offshore policy we aren't allowed to carry even a smartphone. Go figure!

Anyway, this holiday season when I'm missing my mums & festival of colors I'm grateful that I'm here basking in changing colors of skies & oceans & for the time being enjoying Holi as nature plays it.

I wish I could show you how I feel. May be one day when I'll buy an oil well I'll bring my friends & my mums over here then only they can imagine what I meant all along. Sometimes, you just have to experience on your own.

(To be contd..)

Becoming Nothing Again

There are times when you think you are going to make it but then as luck have it you do something and it all come crashing down, all what you've created, all what you've thought & all what you could've become. When you unintentionally do or say something & end up failing I think that shouldn't be a problem, you can't take blame for everything.

I don't know why but right now I'm taking blame for every catastrophe that's happening around world. And also for what we had but as always I'm jinxed and blew it up. May be when you are indifferent toward me then only it is alright. May be when we are strangers again then only you can smile.

If it is this way it is going to be then I'll go, I'm known to give up always, anyway.

So, here's to what we could've had but we didn't & I know no one's to blame but me..

Take me prisoner
chain my heart
leaving at your doorsteps
memories & some laughs
& whispers of promises
of all that we would've become
but we didn't
coz I dream too much
& you're always living in reality
I give up on everything
too easily
& burden on your shoulders gets too heavy
we are becoming nothing again

we don't talk much anymore
I feel you slipping away
I hold on too tight
& yet you're like sand
falling free
what's remain with me
in my heart
& hands
are memories
some laughs
& whispers of promises
& all that we would've become
but we didn't
we are becoming nothing again..

Normal Days #24

To Whom It May Concern

**NOTICE**

I was pressurised to write this

I wasn't about to come out from my self-imposed exile to write more. There are many reasons for that, first of all, I was feeling lazy. I've been doing extensive reading lately. So most of my thoughts, I am writing on my Goodreads portal. I'm up till ungodly hours to read books & escape from everyone & everything else. But then one day when I was on platform surveying the next supply vessel my Safety Engineer came to me & said, "what happened Vishal, why aren't you updating your blog now?" Let me tell you there were many other things which were said after that sentence but in a humorous way. It was good to know that there's someone who waits for my entry no matter how absurd they are. I mean my writings, not the person.

And need I mention that safety is a big issue in Oil & Gas industry as we are always working with many life prone hazards like H2S leak, turbulent weather, some accidents which can take place while some job is going on so we take these safety issues very seriously. I wrote this basically to, you know, impress if some b'ful girl reads this & want to save me when I come home during vacations.

But on a serious note, yeah we are prone to some dangers & we comply by safety rules here. Even then the beauty of this vast ocean never ceases to amaze me every time I go out at platform for some job. Anyway, so here I'm writing & missing the girl I left behind when I took that step for this job. I don't think Newton would ever have imagined his 3rd law of motion will come handy in personal issues of general population. But hey, there's always an equal & opposite reaction for your action. I'm living mine, daily. Every time I think of her wind get knocked out of my lungs & I feel like going hollow inside. I recover & move on, don't ask me how, even I don't know how I manage to breathe.

And I've assholes to deal with here too. So, I get along fine with memories.

Safety is life after all :)

And I don't know why I'm writing all these random stuff where nothing is in coherence with other but it feels good to write again. May be I'm mourning over the loss of one of my writes a few weeks ago. It was on some tissue paper & I've not been able to find it. May be I'll write something else.

(To be contd..)

Eternity

And I dream again, of all the times & I dream of your hand in mine, our eyes locked and many more things which we do. Let me just say, I'll be happy to do 'em to you when we will meet someday. For the time being let me write to you about the time when we will go on our second date (yes, it is a dream too.)

So baby wear the pretty dress, or PJs I don't mind you look phenomenal to me & tonight I don't think you'll be wearing 'em longer than necessary. Or we can take a raincheck on date & create a storm of our own where I get drench in your love & you drip wet in mine. (But sweetheart we already established I'm a pervert, right :P) Hey, don't worry darling we will go out, you wanna know what we did ;)

Here it is

Let me take your hand
as we leave your place
wrap my pinkie around yours
a solemn promise
with no words
coz they aren't necessary
& yet it feels like
you have known what was said

Let me smile,
& in those warm eyes
find your smile too

Let just talk
not with words
but hands, tongues, kisses & moans

Let's break the 3 dates rules
or whatever there are more
what scares you to dive in
deep with me
coz I know Flower
it's me & you
we are for ETERNITY

Damn, I didn't mention the restaurant this time too. I guess food is not my priority when I have you with me. I'm hungry now, may I eat you up :D
What! I'm a gentleman, I ask for permission.

Normal Days #23

Zombie

It has been 48 hours since I slept last & still I have to work 8 hours more before I hit the bed. I'm on autopilot & I don't even know what I'm writing. It is just I'm reading & reading & reading books & loving every word of it. & to top that today I had a lot of work do, not even a minute to breathe that's when I decide I should write all of this in case I kill someone I have some case of sanity issues to plead, covering all my bases. The only upside to today's day is weather is awesome. There is this haze, kind of foggy so no sun hence the day is on a cooler side.

I have written lot of stuff but I ain't gotta time to write it down, I'll do it given my laziness and all.

I don't understand why ppl have to come & talk to me about the stuff I don't give a damn about. I'm not in mood any day but today I'm beyond pissed. I'm looking for someone to entice me to tear something / someone apart. It is not like that I'm a violent kind of guy I'm just too agitated & volatile now. Just 60 hrs without sleep and I've my panties in a bunch. God I don't even know what I am doing. Writing & writing & writing stuff which I won't remember the next day.

I need to sleep tonight, a good 8-10 hrs of sleep but I know as soon as I hit the bed all of this queasiness will go & I'll be up again to finish another book. It is better than any other addiction in world though.

I think I should stop while I have some wake up cell in my brains.

Just 7 hrs & 50 minutes to go.

(To be contd..)

Our Date

I hope you're doing great & you're happy because no matter where I'm it always matters to me that you're out there & feeling safe. I wrote this for you a few minutes ago, where I'm asking you out & you've agreed to go on a date with me ( I know, it is a surprise for me too but in my dream you agreed so, I've taken the liberty to think of it as real. Yes, I'm weird that way).

Anyway, needn't to mention I'm ecstatic beyond measure & I might act like stupid (well, stupid might be putting it lightly, let's just say paranoid. OK, please tell me I'm not scaring you. See! This is the stuff I was talking about. I'm ecstatic!).

So this is what I wrote, hope you won't think me as a nutcase. :) I'm happy, so you can think whatever you like, you agreed to go on a date with me what else can matter in this world to me :D

I'll be writing more about our dates but this is the first one, hope you like it :)

Let me ask you out
on a date
I'd pick you up
at your place
you all dressed up
a lil nervous
like me (OK maybe I'm more than just a 'lil' nervous)
& let me spend
the entire time
looking in those eyes

When you open the door
looking b'ful
more than I could ever have thought
you smile shyly
is it OK to fall in love
there & then
even when we haven't said a word

Let me whisper
"you look breathtakingly b'ful"
& I also like the way you blush
it is blissful

Let me take your hand
& hold it in mine
all the while
you think of many things
& butterflies in your stomach
like I've in mine

Let me take you
not in a fancy restaurant
but under the sky
where we can have
moon & stars
our partners in crime
& let me show 'em
it was true
your eyes shine brighter
than all of 'em combine

You laugh
when I mock 'em
& ask me to stop making fun of 'em
"Moon are you jealous now
she's mine"
& I tell you again & again
how lucky I'm
& I hold your face
in my palms
& those eyes
make me believe
I haven't yet died
Kiss me
& make me believe
this is Heaven
& we are flying

Let Me Fade

So, I'm here again, not feeling anything, may be a lil scared though, of all the happiness which I'm dreaming of. Strange, how even dreams of happiness scare me. Anyway, it is not like I'm retarted or something, always depreciating my self worth. Or maybe I'm, I don't know what to think of myself as I sink lower into the pit of self pity. Somedays are good, somedays are better but it is when I look back & think of all those things which happen around me, make me believe may be I'm the one who's jinxed. I'm the one who doesn't deserve peace or smiles. May be it is fine when ppl hate me. May be this is normal for me. At least I can't screw this up, right?

See, I see a silver lining, who says I'm not an optimistic guy? :)

So this is what I wrote again asking you not to love me, though I'm sure you don't but in my dreams you do. So, to ease the pain I'm breaking my dreams on my own. I swear it doesn't hurt that way :)

I falter at every step I take
as I breathe I make a mistake
I'm not the person to be with
what can I bring you
other than pain
you need someone
who says the right things
who doesn't have battles to fight
who will keep you safe
unlike me
I can't even save me from me

Let me fade
even from your memories
as you fly high
high in the skies

I fight my own demons
I lose to everyone of 'em
I'm scared of nightmares
& I come with nothing but strain
I'll drown you with me
you need someone
who lets you rest
who doesn't have nightmares to scare you away
unlike me
I can't even save me from me

Let me fade
even from your memories
as you fly high
high in the skies

Not Alone

Today it will be all about you, like it always has been, like it always will be. I hope you're smiling & have a great day tomorrow. You're always in my prayers. There are many things I want to say but I know, you know what I'd say. Even if you don't, let not it bother your pretty lil head as I'll be there soon telling you all what I want to say coz sometimes words aren't enough.

All the best for tomorrow Peanut :)


Words
as they fail me
& prayers
which I'm sending
to Heavens
fervently
asking Gods
to take care of you
and angels
to watch out
for you

You're not alone
as now
I'm counting on me
for you


Hope
which I cling on to
& your smile
which I long to hear
you're not alone Flower
I've asked moon & stars
to be there
for you


& Dreams
where I dream
all about you
where you're smiling
without a worry
I've asked
days & nights
to cradle you
& love you
like I do

You're not alone
as now
I'm counting on me
for you

I wish you all the happiness & smiles.

I'm a Nobody

Well, here I'm, again writing another one of my write. I was feeling a lil low when I wrote this two days ago & because of some reasons I don't want to share, I couldn't post it then. But here I'm sharing it with all you guys who read what I write (I hope someone's out there reading these, or not, it is an easy way to say things here which are weird in real world & practice what to say when in some social circles).

So, here it goes, brace yourself (I'm good at cheap humor too :P)

Tell me I'm no one
You don't remember me
Laugh at me
when I say
"you said you'll be there for me"
Ask me if I was being serious
"Don't you get the concept of being friendly?"
Let me act nonchalant
Though my heart is bleeding
& let me say with a smile
"Yes, I know, it was a joke,
you were not serious"
I mean, how you could be
I'm a nobody

Then you wish me well
& say
"see you around"
while leaving me alone
with a void & a very loud sound
of my breaking dream
but hey, don't worry
there's a guy out there for you
who would love you
even more than I do
I don't even love myself
I'm a nobody...

Fighting My Demons

This is what I do when I'm happy. I write & I hope. It isn't good or anything amazing like most of the ppl I know write but it helps me to lose some of the reality & be in the place where everything is good & where you love me. And most importantly I can dream that there you're mine, only mine & you fight for me when I surrender fighting my own demons.

I wrote this where I'm asking you to leave me while silently hoping that you won't. I know I'm pathetic but we've already established that so I don't bother wearing faces of sophisticated guy which I'm not.
So here it goes:

Look pretty
always smile
& forget me
I'll bring you down with me
I can't fly baby
I'm chained
with my monsters
whom I fight with
daily
& every other night
when I sleep
without nightmares
I dream
how it could've been me
flying with you
across the rising sun
& moon & all those pretty stars
of your eyes
but I'm a monster
I don't deserve fairytales
I'm happy to see you there
looking pretty
& always smiling
& I silently hope
that you still
remember me
& in the morning
I go again
to fight my demons

Normal Days #22

High & Dry

God, do I make some sexy coffee or what? I wish I could take some snaps of the awesomeness I created but alas offshore policy doesn't allow us to carry any camera or phones which support cameras. Anyway, it's an obsession with me calling the food sexy names. I love my food that way & there's this hypothesis of mine for all you girls out there, if you're with a guy & he doesn't enjoy food don't go out with him. Foodgasms (Orgasmic sound which we make while devouring great food) are the window to the soul of a person. I love food & I sure will use all the techniques involving food while making love. Or I could invent some of mine too, you never know, I've been told I've a very vivid imagination. ;) Am I height of greatness or what?

So, before I turn into a pervert let me talk about the mood I'm in today. I made a coffee & suddenly I was thinking to open a coffee shop. At 27 years I'm still not sure about my career path, not a way to win girls over, huh. :D

But hey if I can make a cup of great coffee I can do anything, even win a girl's heart over. Well that's always the dream isn't it? And all this great day started because I made a great cup of coffee who knows what I'd do if I'd be given a chance in kitchen. No, no, no dirty thoughts. We can do that later & you know that's why I am always late for everything. This is because of my perverted mind. And why do ppl keep bugging me with official work when I'm in a full flow with my thoughts. They hinder my thought process.

Anyway, let's not lose the focus of good food & love making. Again! Enough with the perverted thoughts already. So while I'm basking in the glory of smiles I'm sending you all of my happiness coz without you nothing seems important. I hope you're there & moon & stars is watching over you sending my love. I hope someday I'll make you coffee in morning. You can do the math, if I am making coffee in the morning do I need to say what we did whole night ;)

Blush sweetheart, you know I've got a dirty mind :P

God I'm on fire today. It feels good hope you're feeling great too baby. I miss you more than you could ever know.

And to rest of you ppl this time I'm not imagining & making up some girl. She's real & she's waiting for me. I hope she is.

Take care my Peanut. You're in my prayers, always.

(To be contd..)

Normal Days #21

Behind Blue Eyes

Well, today is another day. Amidst everything there are few things which still are same. I'm still missing you, still craving to listen from you, still praying for your well being. I'm still confused about what I'm feeling. I still haven't read a single chapter just killing the time reading articles on net, matching our horoscopes.

See, you see the problem. I'm a pathetic guy. I wish I'd someone who could steer my mind in right direction. I know what I need to do but I'm too lazy to even get up & dust off the mood I'm in. I'm not depressed, I'm not ecstatic, I'm a lil confused but most of all I feel lost. May be without you or may be it is just a dream which I don't wanna let go. Moon & stars is OK but I still need to hear what you will say when I'd tell you that now when I'm not with you all I could think of what you'd be doing right then. Not that I'm creepy if I'm thinking that or am I? I don't know the social protocols here. But all I want to do is listen you & all of you shouting, screaming at me sometimes when you're angry but most of the times when we are making love.

Dude, I'm so way out of dreaming state. I'm on the border of psychotic break I think.

But then you already know that I'm a weirdo, right?
So, here I'm still thinking of you & hoping when I'll be back you'd be there telling me that you missed me too. If you didn't let me still think that you did. I wish you all smiles & happiness.

(To be contd..)

Normal Days #20

When I Look to the Sky

Moon & stars is my only companion right now, only souls in this whole world to whom I talk to, only souls who know the secret that I'm falling for you. Please don't blame 'em if they didn't tell you anything. I swore 'em to secrecy & neither did they tell me if you're talking to 'em or not about me. I hope you do. And being a hopeless romantic this is a dream I'm clinging on.

I knew this time it was going to be hard but nothing numbs my pain. I have to get myself together. I ain't reading, I ain't listening to songs, I am not even enjoying things I loved to do before. I know I shouldn't be feeling this empty, this hollow & I'm a way too optimistic person. Even I don't know how I am feeling. Is it confusing, well, NEWS FLASH I am usually confusing. Anyway, I hope you're safe out there & smiling that amazing smile of yours which I see reflected in stars & moon.

brooding at your thoughts
I saw sun coming up
another day of work,
another day of losing myself
& as the night descends
another dream where you're mine

The situation is even I don't know what am I feeling. But I already said that. I just want to be at home. Boy, I'm all over the place with this write today. Please God send me some sign she's thinking about me too. In the meanwhile I'll get my thoughts in a more coherent way.

(To be contd..)

Normal Days #19

Somebody's Me


I'm back to my work place & this time it hurts a lil more, may be I've met an exceptional person in my life whom I'm missing a lot. This time the ache has been profound than ever before. I wish time would fly by & I'll be there again with her, making her smile, writing for her, or most of the times just be with her, listening to all things which she has to say.

I don't know what it would be like to hold her in my arms but I bet she's as delicate as Flower. May be I'm reading too much in b'ween the lines, maybe I'm nothing to her & she will forget all about me. I hope she smiles a lot & all her pain goes away. I don't want her to be anything but happy, content & blissfully radiant. This rotation on many fronts will be a testing one for me. I've to see through the financial matters as I'm planning to shift my base to the capital. I don't know what I'm even writing. Just to take my mind off her I thought this was the best technique. I'm fighting sleep as I didn't get much sleep last night though while I was flying for here I managed a lil nap but it seemed to have aggravated the problem of sleep rather helping it. I also know when I'll lie down to sleep it won't come easy. I long to hear her voice. But I know I can't call her & she can't call me.

I think this was the pain I was looking, this was the longing I was longing for. If only I'd my Twitter fix here.

Missing you.
Hope you're listening.

(To be contd..)

LOVE SONG

Here's for you coz you dream


I was gonna call you tonight
to tell you what was on my mind
somethings which were to be said
& I had it worked out right
& then it rained

I knew it's a dream
coz you were standing right there
looking more b'ful
than I'd thought
& that's when I decided to call
& then it rained

I knew you'd never pick up
it's 3 in the morning
you'd a rough week at work
but now let me say it
what I wanted all along
here's darling for you
a love song
& it's raining

55 Fiction #2

Surviving Sorrow

"What are you thinking daddy?"

"What goes on in that sweet lil head of yours. Do you miss your mommy?"

"I do but I love you & I know you love me too. Daddy, tell me the story how you fell in love with mums."

& once again my lil kid saved me from nightmares.

 

55 Fiction #1

The Proposal

“Why do you love me?” she asked crying.

“The beliefs you’ve, things you don’t believe, truths you hear & all lies which you ignore, all the dreams you weave & reality you want like dream, I want it to share with you, every single day of my life, and nights also.”

And she kissed me.

Normal Days #18

I'm gonna get me a gun

It is not only a title to some song rephrasing my current state, it is actually a thing I'm hanging on to for quite some time now. Lately I've developed a fascination towards guns. I don't know when it happened as I'm not a violent guy but for a few months I have this craving to hold a gun & feel the cold of metal in my palm. I have been watching too many cop shows I think but nonetheless the feeling is not going away.

Of course I can't even apply for a weapon license right now because of future election in my country, but as soon as elections will be over I'll be doing that. It is a costly affair & since working in offshore has some perks, one of it is good pay. So, I think I can give some cash inflow to few addictions I have or I'll acquire as I grow wise. Last year also I had thought about the same thing but as I was away from home for most of the time I couldn't act on the plan but here I'm at home after every month I can sure pursue this dream of owning a b'ful, sexy, lil gun which will look magnificent. I know it is not considered healthy to own a firearm but I want to have it because I consider them b'ful.

 See the beauty above, this is what I'm talking about. I so much want it not for shooting or anything just to know that I own this wonderful piece lying there for me is worth the satisfaction.

And I want to buy a PSP4 video game also so since I can't have this right now I'll go for video game & when time will permit I'll be kissing this beauty.

(To be contd..)

Dreaming & Breathing

I don't say it anymore
but I'm still waiting,
hoping,
counting
seconds,
hours,
years,
wishing
that someday
you will know
that in my dreams
you're the lil light
shining with full glow

but
I've to punish myself
through agony,
longing
& this scary feeling
where I know,
that you'll never be mine
& that's when I let go
of reality
& trade it for dreams
where there's you
& me
somewhere
hiding
in each other
& suddenly
it is easier to breathe

Normal Days #17

Cloud Number 9

I don't even know why but today I'm feeling happy, content like something good is going on around, I'm not able to touch it but I feel it in my heart. There's this hum in there, static like & I'm smiling a lot. I am always a weird kind of guy thinking of the possibilities that are never going to happen, day dreaming about many scenarios that will never play out but I feel happy nonetheless. There are many things which are going great, first of all there is the weather.

I don't know how many of the normal persons have experienced what I'm experiencing. Just imagine for a moment, you're in middle of the sea. Have you ever seen rough sea? I bet you have, the waves crashing around the shore high & wild. The sound of them is deafening. It is not exactly like that in middle. It is more troublesome but just scattered around because the waves crash around each other from all the directions, hence there is not much noise just foam. Now imagine all this when it is drizzling making the sea a lil angry with grey skies. The only thing which I miss in this whole nature love making is the cries of Seagulls. I listened to it though y'day evening when I was out on port side of my rig. In the nights, to most ppl, even to my mums, sea looks scary but not to me. I love the infinity of it. Also I love how horizon can't ever get to embrace the tides while the mighty ocean tries hard to loose itself in entire skyline.

I just wish I could dare myself to look down when I'm flying by chopper across the Arabian Gulf, but I can't.

I know I write a lot about all of these things, almost in every second of my write but I can't help but thank God with all my heart who gave me this opportunity to be here & experience the most raw & heart wrenching love making. The yearning of ocean to the aloof skies always makes me pray for the love which they have. It is absolutely magnificent & breathtaking.

& I'm also happy that I've you. You've no idea how blessed I am & how grateful I'm that I know you, that no matter how screw up I am you never give upon me. You're truly my best friend & sometimes I do say it over & over again but please know with you I can be plain. And before I do something to scare you away please know, I don't know why it is but whenever I want to thank you or tell you how amazing I think you're words don't seems enough. I wish you could just know, you know. May be you already know. There are way too many know in there.

At least I'm consistent with my weirdness.

I'm happy..mai khush hoon aaj khamakha

(To be contd..)

Normal Days #16

Hard Road

The weather here is a lil cold, well it is as cold as it gets but wind is a lil harsh around ~28-30 knots, if you don't know what that means imagine a tree swaying in the wind wildly that what it feels like. Did I explain it correctly? Who cares? I'm not here to talk about weather or wind speeds in Arabian Gulf, not all the time at least. So, why am I here? Even I don't know. May be I was thinking about something which I wanted to write down so that I can read it later on when I'm not feeling good. I don't read what I write generally once I'm done with them unless I'm reasonably feeling low.

What am I even saying? Sometimes I don't even get myself. Here I'm trying desperately to write about a single thought which was on my mind since I opened up this page but instead of writing about it I'm doing God knows what.

First of all the weather which we have now a days is perfect. Sea is rough, sometimes the tides reach to a level of 7-8 feet high, the sky is grey, I know it is kind of gloomy in western cultural sense, call me sinister or whatever I love this kind of weather. The feeling of loneliness which comes up with this kind of surroundings is welcoming sometimes. I wonder if that is why I'm in this kind of job where I can hide from everyone who is normal. It has been days I'd talked to another soul. May be the reason for that is I don't have enough time to read a lot. Thanks a lot to few of my colleagues. Losers.

But giving a serious thought about the situation I avoid ppl as much as I can & being in the world of my own serves me a lot better. I wrote a few lines today & as they are some rhyming stuff I can't post them as individual post

I'm up for a heartbreak,
you can break mine,
slowly, bit by bit
take all your sweet time,
the melancholy some lil pain,
my sentence didn't come with a reprieve
this dull ache on my heart
I hope it never subsides

I don't know what's this is about this time; I don't want to dissect it like I always do with things. I think it is OK sometimes to let the pain remain without any reason. I hope I can laugh about it someday or let it dwell & grow within my chest just like my heartbeats so that I can feel alive because it is pain that makes you believe you're living, right? May be I just grow a pair & stop being so sissy about everything. Yeah, that would be cool! In some parallel universe maybe I'm trying to get out of office from some boring 9-5 job. I'm laughing at that pathetic loser me.

Weird. That's me :)

(To be contd..)

Normal Days #15

Back Stabbers

Some days aren't quite as good as others, sometimes aren't as sober but what keeps you going through these times is what that matters. The days get bluer & you feel terrified, scared & the ppl you know all these times who laugh with you, share a joke are the one who are slowly cutting your ties. What to do then? Will you change yourself as per the standards set by the society or you be the same as you always were?

I've been into these kind of situations very often. I know how it feels when ppl start dismissing you because you're not co-operative or you don't have a friendly attitude. I don't know why they spent so much of time in hating rather doing something productive. I have this gift of recognizing the double faces they wear and given my attitude I let them know that I don't like them. That's when the real problem starts they don't like me either but they don't show it & act like long lost friends when they meet. I know what they are trying to do but I ignore like always because they aren't worth it.

I'm not taking the higher road here, I'm at fault too but my fault limits to the fact that I don't gel well with crowd. I tend to spend my time with books rather with these fellows who can't even think straight other than gossiping. And that brings me to the best place I always go, where there's no reality, where everything is good & peaceful, my dreams. I don't wanna go there as it would be so off topic, not that I care being off topic it is just I don't like talking about dreams every now & then.

I know I'm lazy & keep putting off work for later & I keep reading books sometimes all day long. BUt that's my vice, everybody has some addiction, I have this. I only hope the guys getting pissed off by this get some peace & happiness.

(To be contd..)

Normal Days #14

Tonight we have the stars

One more year is about to end & I can't help but look back to cherish what I've found this year, what I've gained & what I've lost. It is not like some balance sheet or some random inventory checklist, it is just I feel like in all of this year 365 days what are the most b'ful things for which I'm thankful to God.

Like always, first of all I've to thank for my very b'ful friend who's always there for me. Well, she hates to reply my messages but yeah I hope she can mark this is as resolution for her in coming year, To reply Vishal asap, always. Not that I'm complaining but I sure don't wanna change a thing about her. She's just very very wonderful girl.

Thanks Mohur :-)

Second I want to thank my mums for always being there for me. This year has been very good regarding many things. I've got a good job, for the first time I went abroad, all because of my own, I'm earning good money, it all feel surreal whenever I lay in my bed & think about it. I never imagined that I can be here in offshore working for one of the biggest companies in the world. I'm not an engineer (Physics Hons. Graduate, to be very precise) hence my being in offshore is really a blessing. But above all, the happiest thing is that my mums is happy. I see her smiling & I know God is somewhere happy with me.

Thank you God for all that love.

Third I want to thank a very good friend of mine who is miles away but is still close to my heart. She is very amazing & smart & one of the strongest girls I've ever had a chance to know. Take Care my Peanut. You're always in my prayers.

I can go on & on what this year has brought to me & I can still never thank enough to almighty for all the happiness. I hope all you ppl out there have a rocking year ahead too.

Love all
Keep Smiling
God Bless :)

(To be contd..)

Dying

I'm killing myself
everyday
to stay alive
fighting myself
to breathe
before drowning
into oblivion
& forget
everything
which keeps the blood running
in my veins

I'm shunning my dreams
& living in reality
like my own obituary
where I die
daily
to smile
& pretend
that I'm OK
& everything's fine

so when I'm not there
to listen
or to hold you
just imagine
that when I remember you
I only smile
& that's the only dream
I won't let go
even as I'm dying

Disintegrate

I cut myself
to feel the pain
to ease away the numbness
to feel something
other than this ache
which I've in my heart
& I trace my scars
the angry pink
mismatched
& jarred
I want to rip myself apart
to see if stops everything
the world around me
finally engulfs me
into ecstacy
as I bleed
& see my life slipping away
taking every memory
as I fade
become nothing
& disintegrate

Effect

One night stands
& I still can't get you out of my head

many strings of women
yet no one makes love like we had

What you do to me
I'm sure no one could ever have

The same effect
which beats my heart

The same effect
which tells me you'll always be my part

I can't recereate
any of the things
all of our past

I wake up to a new face
everyday
some arms around me
but none of them have the warmth
the same effect
which beats my heart
& one day I might let go
of everything
of our future
& our past.

Normal Days #13

Here I am

Yesterday I was walking on Zakum West Platform towards GG 2 gas station, if you have no idea what I'm talking about, well it serves my purpose, I'm known to confuse ppl, remember?
Anyway, as I was taking a walk I saw the sea waves catching upto 10ft of heihgt and it was mesmerizing in its own kind of way. I don't know what I enjoy most here, the complexity of Oil & Gas Industry or the every face of nature? Actually I know, it is the nature taking its own course sometimes silent like my pleas and sometimes roaring like my dreams where I dream of you. I love being alone here amidst the vastness of everything, amidst the hollow of skies, between the crushing sound of machines & rumbling of sea and sometimes if I'm lucky I hear the cries of seagulls also.

May be this is the reason I love being here too much. I want to be away from everyone and the niceties of society. I'm not much of a people's person. I avoid interaction on any social level and when I'm here it seems good to have this excuse that I'm not available because of the job I'm in. I know it is cowardice & hiding away is not good but who said I'm here to do good and be a good boy. The anonymity which this industry, this job has provided me feels wonderful every time I'm here. Sure when I leave home I get a lil nostalgic and miss it for a few days but once when I settle in it feels good to have this option where nobody gives a damn about you & you're kind of invisible.

Don't think I'm a sociopath or anything or go ahead think whatever you may like it doesn't matter. I'm good in the world which I have created for myself & please don't lecture me about the reality & all that I'm missing because I live in dreams. I don't like reality anyway. It's way too much for me & for the dreams which I see. I'm bored now & I think something is wrong with me. I don't feel like writing anymore when I'm in front of the screen but when I'm about to sleep or roaming aimlessly. I don't know what's wrong may be it is because opf winters & my mind has gone into hibernation mode. I like to think it is hibernation. It is cool, right?

Too much of weirdness I think. Well, see you later.
Merry Christmas & A Prosperous New Year in case I didn't turn up by that time.

(To be contd..)

Normal Days #12

Back to you

For quite a time now I've been acting insane & not in a good way, wait, that doesn't come out right; what I meant was I'm taking everything for granted now a days. I was not social before but now a days I'm acting hostile. I don't go well along with anyone, I speak harshly to everyone & I'm acting like a real ass.

So I was wondering why am I acting like such an asshole? Apparently there's no reason for that save the line between pride & being a jerk is getting blurry for me. I don't give a damn for anything which is a gift for me from God. Even writing this down I'm feeling like a hypocrite. Many of my friends have advised me to mind my attitude. I'm losing my temper very easily right now. I had problems like that before too but now a days I'm acting all almighty & superpower. Something is wrong with me & to figure it out I think the best thing would be to hide away like I always do. This is time for a new approach though. I'll act responsible & mature and will think before I say anything. This will make me to have lesser argument from human population.

Well I can always hope I can do that irrespective of the stupidity of the population in question.
Let's see how this goes.

(To be contd..)

Lost

I'm lost

find me a way

to get out of me

where there is you

only you

which prevails

even in me

I'm not good with myself

but you're always better

you always smiled

even when I was bitter

just hold me in your arms

as I'm losing myself

again
to me