Scattered Thoughts

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

55 Fiction #2

Surviving Sorrow

"What are you thinking daddy?"

"What goes on in that sweet lil head of yours. Do you miss your mommy?"

"I do but I love you & I know you love me too. Daddy, tell me the story how you fell in love with mums."

& once again my lil kid saved me from nightmares.


55 Fiction #1

The Proposal

“Why do you love me?” she asked crying.

“The beliefs you’ve, things you don’t believe, truths you hear & all lies which you ignore, all the dreams you weave & reality you want like dream, I want it to share with you, every single day of my life, and nights also.”

And she kissed me.

Monday, 13 January 2014

Normal Days #18

I'm gonna get me a gun

It is not only a title to some song rephrasing my current state, it is actually a thing I'm hanging on to for quite some time now. Lately I've developed a fascination towards guns. I don't know when it happened as I'm not a violent guy but for a few months I have this craving to hold a gun & feel the cold of metal in my palm. I have been watching too many cop shows I think but nonetheless the feeling is not going away.

Of course I can't even apply for a weapon license right now because of future election in my country, but as soon as elections will be over I'll be doing that. It is a costly affair & since working in offshore has some perks, one of it is good pay. So, I think I can give some cash inflow to few addictions I have or I'll acquire as I grow wise. Last year also I had thought about the same thing but as I was away from home for most of the time I couldn't act on the plan but here I'm at home after every month I can sure pursue this dream of owning a b'ful, sexy, lil gun which will look magnificent. I know it is not considered healthy to own a firearm but I want to have it because I consider them b'ful.

 See the beauty above, this is what I'm talking about. I so much want it not for shooting or anything just to know that I own this wonderful piece lying there for me is worth the satisfaction.

And I want to buy a PSP4 video game also so since I can't have this right now I'll go for video game & when time will permit I'll be kissing this beauty.

(To be contd..)

Dreaming & Breathing

I don't say it anymore
but I'm still waiting,
that someday
you will know
that in my dreams
you're the lil light
shining with full glow

I've to punish myself
through agony,
& this scary feeling
where I know,
that you'll never be mine
& that's when I let go
of reality
& trade it for dreams
where there's you
& me
in each other
& suddenly
it is easier to breathe

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Normal Days #17

Cloud Number 9

I don't even know why but today I'm feeling happy, content like something good is going on around, I'm not able to touch it but I feel it in my heart. There's this hum in there, static like & I'm smiling a lot. I am always a weird kind of guy thinking of the possibilities that are never going to happen, day dreaming about many scenarios that will never play out but I feel happy nonetheless. There are many things which are going great, first of all there is the weather.

I don't know how many of the normal persons have experienced what I'm experiencing. Just imagine for a moment, you're in middle of the sea. Have you ever seen rough sea? I bet you have, the waves crashing around the shore high & wild. The sound of them is deafening. It is not exactly like that in middle. It is more troublesome but just scattered around because the waves crash around each other from all the directions, hence there is not much noise just foam. Now imagine all this when it is drizzling making the sea a lil angry with grey skies. The only thing which I miss in this whole nature love making is the cries of Seagulls. I listened to it though y'day evening when I was out on port side of my rig. In the nights, to most ppl, even to my mums, sea looks scary but not to me. I love the infinity of it. Also I love how horizon can't ever get to embrace the tides while the mighty ocean tries hard to loose itself in entire skyline.

I just wish I could dare myself to look down when I'm flying by chopper across the Arabian Gulf, but I can't.

I know I write a lot about all of these things, almost in every second of my write but I can't help but thank God with all my heart who gave me this opportunity to be here & experience the most raw & heart wrenching love making. The yearning of ocean to the aloof skies always makes me pray for the love which they have. It is absolutely magnificent & breathtaking.

& I'm also happy that I've you. You've no idea how blessed I am & how grateful I'm that I know you, that no matter how screw up I am you never give upon me. You're truly my best friend & sometimes I do say it over & over again but please know with you I can be plain. And before I do something to scare you away please know, I don't know why it is but whenever I want to thank you or tell you how amazing I think you're words don't seems enough. I wish you could just know, you know. May be you already know. There are way too many know in there.

At least I'm consistent with my weirdness.

I'm happy..mai khush hoon aaj khamakha

(To be contd..)

Monday, 6 January 2014

Normal Days #16

Hard Road

The weather here is a lil cold, well it is as cold as it gets but wind is a lil harsh around ~28-30 knots, if you don't know what that means imagine a tree swaying in the wind wildly that what it feels like. Did I explain it correctly? Who cares? I'm not here to talk about weather or wind speeds in Arabian Gulf, not all the time at least. So, why am I here? Even I don't know. May be I was thinking about something which I wanted to write down so that I can read it later on when I'm not feeling good. I don't read what I write generally once I'm done with them unless I'm reasonably feeling low.

What am I even saying? Sometimes I don't even get myself. Here I'm trying desperately to write about a single thought which was on my mind since I opened up this page but instead of writing about it I'm doing God knows what.

First of all the weather which we have now a days is perfect. Sea is rough, sometimes the tides reach to a level of 7-8 feet high, the sky is grey, I know it is kind of gloomy in western cultural sense, call me sinister or whatever I love this kind of weather. The feeling of loneliness which comes up with this kind of surroundings is welcoming sometimes. I wonder if that is why I'm in this kind of job where I can hide from everyone who is normal. It has been days I'd talked to another soul. May be the reason for that is I don't have enough time to read a lot. Thanks a lot to few of my colleagues. Losers.

But giving a serious thought about the situation I avoid ppl as much as I can & being in the world of my own serves me a lot better. I wrote a few lines today & as they are some rhyming stuff I can't post them as individual post

I'm up for a heartbreak,
you can break mine,
slowly, bit by bit
take all your sweet time,
the melancholy some lil pain,
my sentence didn't come with a reprieve
this dull ache on my heart
I hope it never subsides

I don't know what's this is about this time; I don't want to dissect it like I always do with things. I think it is OK sometimes to let the pain remain without any reason. I hope I can laugh about it someday or let it dwell & grow within my chest just like my heartbeats so that I can feel alive because it is pain that makes you believe you're living, right? May be I just grow a pair & stop being so sissy about everything. Yeah, that would be cool! In some parallel universe maybe I'm trying to get out of office from some boring 9-5 job. I'm laughing at that pathetic loser me.

Weird. That's me :)

(To be contd..)

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Normal Days #15

Back Stabbers

Some days aren't quite as good as others, sometimes aren't as sober but what keeps you going through these times is what that matters. The days get bluer & you feel terrified, scared & the ppl you know all these times who laugh with you, share a joke are the one who are slowly cutting your ties. What to do then? Will you change yourself as per the standards set by the society or you be the same as you always were?

I've been into these kind of situations very often. I know how it feels when ppl start dismissing you because you're not co-operative or you don't have a friendly attitude. I don't know why they spent so much of time in hating rather doing something productive. I have this gift of recognizing the double faces they wear and given my attitude I let them know that I don't like them. That's when the real problem starts they don't like me either but they don't show it & act like long lost friends when they meet. I know what they are trying to do but I ignore like always because they aren't worth it.

I'm not taking the higher road here, I'm at fault too but my fault limits to the fact that I don't gel well with crowd. I tend to spend my time with books rather with these fellows who can't even think straight other than gossiping. And that brings me to the best place I always go, where there's no reality, where everything is good & peaceful, my dreams. I don't wanna go there as it would be so off topic, not that I care being off topic it is just I don't like talking about dreams every now & then.

I know I'm lazy & keep putting off work for later & I keep reading books sometimes all day long. BUt that's my vice, everybody has some addiction, I have this. I only hope the guys getting pissed off by this get some peace & happiness.

(To be contd..)