Scattered Thoughts

Sunday, 30 November 2014

Normal Days #33

My Paper Heart

Everyday when I open my eyes, even before I'm up I hold on to the dreams of you. That time when you're here with me even in my fantasy I believe that we are together. The moment when I open my eyes I still have a smile on my face & I wonder what it'd have been like to wake up next to you everyday for rest of my life. But then as they say you can't always get what you want, so I do the next best thing. I try to memorise you, to remember you.

Memories have a funny way to vanish, don't they? One day you remember every thing in a vivid detail and the next you start losing fragments of it a lil day by day shredding some of it someday then losing a big chunk the next. No matter how hard you try to hold on to 'em they slip away like sand. But when you wish to let 'em go, somehow they get stuck on your palm, like ocean sand & they travel with you no matter where you go.

I stand still when I look at someone looking like you, my heart beating fast and I pray it better not be you but when I realise that ain't you it breaks my heart lil more. So, I'm here amidst words, hoping one day you'd read 'em, finding me that some part of me will never let you go and I'll keep screwing up every good thing. One of these days I'll find a way to get out of this blackhole. Or become more of it, wallowing in self pity and self loathing.

One of these days

(To be Contd..)

Friday, 21 November 2014

Normal Days #32

Weight of the World

I don't know why but I think whenever I start writing on my blog my thought processes always start when I'm in shower. Strange, right? And when I come out half of my thoughts are just vanished like steam. My thoughts there are running a mile and may be that's the only place I think of the real problems / difficulties. The things which I run away from generally.

Reality always has been a different dimension for me. People I know say pretty words to each other on face and words seem like spilling out like they don't weigh anything. This might be one of the most incoherent write for me as like always I've no idea what's going on around me. Too much is happening and I just wanna sit down lay my head in your lap and feel the warmth of your touch as you run your fingers in my hair. I want you to tell me everything is going to be fine coz I don't have much confidence in myself but your confidence in me is all my power. But if you will look in my eyes, my face cradled in your palms and a sweet kiss there's nothing I won't do.

And I'd no idea here also I'd dream of you. You're always with me, haunting me, captivating me with the memories which are the only thing I've left of you and then there's this yearning which never goes away. And suddenly the weight on my shoulders has nothing to do with the problem of realities. It has always been my made believe world in dreams where you're still with me. I tried to let go of you but I think what I would have if not them? Better to be incomplete than hollow, right?

Bring back me to life

(To be Contd..)

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Normal Days #31

I want you to want me

Today, I'm feeling a lil low. Hence the urge to look up the heavens and smile. Today if someone will make empty promises I'll believe those too. It has been one of those days when I'd believe in all lies. The materialistic world, as much as I want to live in dreams, comes crushing all my hopes. And then I stand alone amidst faces which once I knew looking at me like I'm stranger and I wish if there's anyone whom I can call mine but then toughen up saying at least I've myself. No matter what I won't give upon me and love is still an enigma which is always just out of reach.

I've always believed in love but somehow the emptiness of these words isn't unknown to me either. I'm actually aware of my indecision about this fickle emotion and may be I've been looking for love in all the wrong places. So, instead of letting ppl use that to their advantage I'd rather stay aloof from that for a while. But some promises I've made to myself I'll see 'em through & let all of the feelings go away. It is better to live in dreams where everything is good, there's love without any exchange and there are smiles.

So, here I'm, believing that you love me even when I know that you don't but it hurts a lil less when I dream that you do. And please let me dream. I think I'm more in love with the idea of love than the love itself.

Once again I've succeeded in making this another one of my blabbering write. Where's the substance?

May be tomorrow is a better day.

(To be Contd..)

Friday, 14 November 2014

Normal Days #30

Fade to Black

So what, I just show up after 6 months & start writing/venting out again. Well, I guess it is better to write here than scare away the friends. I was thinking to do it more often but when you stay away from someone or something for a lil long you start avoiding them, start dreading what you'd say when you'd meet & hence one day you become strangers. The good thing about these blogs or journals or any other things like these is they don't leave you. They don't avoid you.

I know I've no idea what am i writing but I need to write this coz I want to say whatever things I want to coz being in social atmosphere for long I might be behaving like some normal ppl but I know general population doesn't like me much & the feeling is mutual. I'd rather be alone, with books on some island than amidst the crowd & try to mix with 'em. I've been trying to do that for last 6 months but I've known since long it was futile & in the end it was the same. I'm still socially awkward.

But I've learned a lot these past six months actually. I've learned how to detach myself from a asocial gathering, if not physically then mentally. I might sound like a I'm all over the place with these random blabbering and this is what I exactly want. I want to express everything which is on my mind. I should have done it sooner though. Fading to black amidst the crowd isn't the way to get accepted & I'm done being that way. Let the alter ego of me take over & I can watch the destruction from afar, as an innocent bystander.

Feels good to write after all these days. I won't promise but I'll try to be a regular here. This is me & anyone I wanna be here, amidst the white of the paper & black of the ink (in this case typed word on screen). Wait for me :)

(To be Contd..)