Normal Days #94

Always have, Always will

Here I am, by the Atlantic Ocean, for this stint of job, yes, it is oil & gas and yes, it is a good one. I have been missing you and yes, that has not changed. I doubt it ever will. I tried, I tried and yet when no one is looking at me and I am smiling at things ppl say and try to engage me in a conversation and as soon as I turn away or as soon as they start talking same white noise pleasantries with other ppl I just get lost in you. The vastness of this ocean, the quiet of it, the calm of it and sea has always calmed me, always, it has had that kind of effect on me, but it doesn’t take away that feeling of loneliness away.

Come back and haunt me.

I am reaching out, reaching out to you.

Why? What is happening to me? Why? Why have you destroyed me this b’fully. I am useless for everyone. Everyone! and I am like a junkie. You know, have you seen ‘em when they get high and are running for their next fix. The things they do, they invent new methods to feel something, for the drug to flow in their system and how they can get high and disconnect with any known entity but flow in the ether and stay motionless, stilled. If you think of it, it is kind of b’ful, to feel that and to work for that, towards that, towards that bliss, I mean I am not saying it is the way for me but I respect the way they do and attain that state.

All the work and all the situations they get ‘emselves into and they beg, borrow, steal too, right? At that time there is no ego in ‘em, only complete surrender to their vices and their fixes.

And then there is me, not a junkie of drugs, but not normal either. I detach and see myself interacting with ppl online or real and how I do not feel anything, nothing and it just makes me more of a spectator than the engaged person in any conversation. No topic is stimulating enough, I talk and feel a lil thing, like a junkie who will try a drug and take it but it doesn’t do much to take him there where he’d wanna go, know what I mean?

I talk with ppl the same way, I want it to be an interactive thing, to feel a lil connection with anybody but then nothing, nada. And then I look for something, or someone, to flow directly in my veins, like junkies inject ‘emselves with. To feel any sort of connection but the broken in me doesn’t want to hold on to anything. It let it all go way too easily and way too quickly.

So while I am at this vast Atlantic ocean, new places, new beginnings, new people and yet the old ghosts and old demons they just lurk and laugh at me when I try to be social and it isn’t like I don’t make connections, some are instant, some feel they’d mean something, they could grow into something but then they come out of shadow and make me wonder,  “What am I even doing? All this for what? For people? Do you want ‘em to see your broken, the ugly, the uglier and the ugliest?”

I do reply to 'em, that, broken is b’ful and then there is whole lot of discussion about it and in the end, I just sigh and let it be. So here I am broken b’fully, still telling the same old tale, still refusing to let go, still crying about how it was and how it will never be the same again. I hope you are happy, wherever you are.

And I sit by the Atlantic Ocean and talk to the waves about how it was. How it always will be.
And maybe, just maybe, they’ll give me an award someday — for how many different ways a man can write the same heartbreak over and over, spinning new sentences from the same old sorrow.
It’s crazy, isn’t it?

Honey! I'm home!!

(To be Contd..)

Back to the Start

Normal Days #93

 I can dream about you

Of all the things I should do, of all the things I should let go of, of all the things I should never let my mind dwell on and of all the ppl I should not think about and all these don'ts and do's and all the give ups and undo's, I should let go of all your memories. And yet..and yet..and yet..

You haunt me like ghosts and your memories have chained me to this ethereal world where you were mine. Hands in hands, promises of forever's, so much hope and all that love.

Damn all that love. Why reality never lets me breathe and why don't you let me go? My kind of broken who don't get fixed easily, the criticality seeped in so deeply it forbodes any feeling to prosper but selfishness. At least break me completely so that I can fix myself. This kaleidoscopic pattern of light and darkness amidst the sunshine of your smile has rendered me useless for the world and I am left for everyone as a husk of the being. Why have I allowed this hold of you on me?

Why do I let you haunt me? Do I use it as an excuse, to put all the blame on you, when I fail spectacularly? Why I always have to be this disconnected from everyone? What have I done?

**sighs**

After all these years I still do not learn. I refuse to give up, I refuse to not have hope, I refuse to not yearn for you, howl for you and pray for you. The hopeless romantic in me is always happy and I look for heartbreak in words now, coz no one broke it like you did and no one can break it like you did and no can fix it, I have come to admit it.

One of these days, like Bryan Adams once sang: 

Yeah, I've been on the road nearly all my life,

Been around the world 'bout a thousand times
Still a knock on the door makes me nervous
I think, I'll see you standing there, but no
It's only room service - room service

So, here I am stuck, not moving forward, stubbornly, childishly and hopefully. Dash my hope yourself. I think I have defeated reality. Come again, break my heart, completely this time, please. No hope whatsoever.

(To be Contd..)

Better in Time

Normal Days #92

  Let me drown

I should not read books.

I should not read books.

I should not read books.

I should not read books.

This is the mantra I will be reciting from now on. I will not read books.

Ok I will, I will always read books, I just won't read the books where I know what is going to happen, where I know the girl will die and there will be nothing but pain, there will be nothing but ache and hollowness in my heart.

For a guy who goes and looks around for the pain and heartbreak I sure crumble like paper when that happens. For all the big talks I do about heartbreaks and being a masochist, it does hurt me like a truck crashing and yet I will always crave for it, for that feeling of pain imploding in and making me miss you even more, to yearn for your little more, to crave you lil more to love you lil more. And no matter what we have learnt about all the stuff life throws at us and all the quotes about always live in the moment, we humans are always driven by our egos and the heavens laugh every time we learn a lesson but, we never learn. We take everything for granted until it is snatched away from us and no matter what anyone says "Karma is a b***." There! I used profanity, this book, this wretched book has me in pieces and I loathe myself for reading it. I loathe myself for went looking for it, I loathe myself for not listening to my mind to not go further into it, I loathe myself for reading it in a public place and I loathe myself for still letting these things to get to me.

I mean I don't understand why can not I be practical like every other person out there? Why I have to read books like that, I mean it is not like there are not other books to read and other genres to explore and yet here I am like a broken record, reading the same stupid books, same stupid heartbreaks, missing you like same stupid guy, wishing upon starts like some stupid person and then going again in search for another same stupid book. I mean why do not I grow up? Why?

So, here I am same stupid self. Refusing to let go, refusing to grow up to be a practical person and never ever, ever be the person who will not help someone who is in pain. And I know a heartache when I see one. Kindred spirit and all.

**laughs humorlessly** 

(To be Contd..)

Elastic Hearts

Normal Days #91

 Keep It a Secret

There are certain things I won’t and I don’t share with the world. I know, I know what you’d say and no they are not the materialistic or tangible things. They are the things you just can’t give to any or every other person you meet, they are things which are sacred, one you must take to your grave if you don’t find the person worthy of sharing. No shame in that, to have yourself that vulnerable, that kid like energy in you like you’re buzzing with excitement and other person just don’t feel it there with you, that is just heartbreaking. And as much I am up for a heartbreak I am not up for that kind of heartbreak ever. Hence the not sharing of certain things ever.

May be I should share these with the person as soon as I meet 'em, kind of a test if we will be compatible or not coz once we are deep down and I share these and then if they don't like it it'd be a worse kind of pain. Again, masochist in me appreciates the pain but not this kind. I love certain music, certain books (no I love all books, except self-help crap), certain thoughts and to give 'em away freely and to everyone, no can't do that.

Oh the other materialistic things they can take away all, all my money, my house, my cars, everything, I don't care about those.

No, wait, I care about my e-book reader, can't live without it. So other than all the intangible things & my e-book reader, you can have it all and everything else I will never share with random ppl out there. These are like best things that have happened to me. And I am thankful to universe I have not shared these with ANYONE, yet. I have come close, God knows I wear my heart on my sleeve but thanks to universe I never went through.

So for all the bad I do and say about me there is this part of me I have not and I will not share with anyone until I find you. So come find me and let me feel you magic.

(To be Contd..)

Helpless When She Smiles

Normal Days #90

I can read b'ween the lines

So, whenever I am not my pathetic self and writing about heart and flowers stuff, like a girl in high school, I write about books. And here I am writing about the recent reads I have had.

No, I won't do the reviews and even the reviews I do I don't quote books as such. I write what they make me feel, again, let's not make it too high schooly? Si?

So, basically coz of some good I did in alternate universe or my previous lives, lately I have found ppl who are suggesting me some good books and yes, I have gifted myself a Boox E-ink tab called Note Air 3C (more about it later in any of the other write, let's focus on books as of now). And I have been reading like crazy, thank God for that. I haven't slept for 3 nights straight and I am happy and I am devouring books like I used to do before and I feel so happy to be this disconnected from the world and to be ushered in the world of words. And I have discovered one strange fact, one I wish I didn't know but thank God for lil blessings, I am very good at ignoring things that don't concern me.

So, what's got me in a fix, you may ask? Well, when I used to read and didn't interact with people much, I knew books were divided into genres, and that was all. But lately, I've come to realize that books are also divided into periods. I mean, can't we leave anything without subjecting it to utter dissection? Is anything sacred anymore? To my horror, it's becoming a trend - postmodernism, premodernism... I mean, what's the point? Why does it matter?

And this is why I am feeling a lil, I won't say sad, just annoyed at ppl, I mean why would someone do that. Here I am enjoying a book thoroughly. loving it to pieces and suddenly someone comes and asks, "oh is this post "damn I don't read but I talk a lot about some eras & periods" era?" And I am like yes, whatever makes you happy.

Anyway, I am blessed to have ppl in my life right now who are suggesting me some books and I am reading like an alcoholic. 

And one more thing I have discovered is that my typing skills have taken a nosedive since I have started using phone and you wouldn't believe the red lines I have had under every word I have written so far. I don't like to be an experiment in the study where they show how use of mobile phones and screen time reduces person's cognitive abilities. I really need to distance myself from it, for real.

I am better off with books anyway. So, send me a prayer so that I don't distract myself away from reading, or you can send me a book recommendation, anything works, I am a cheap lay :P

(To be Contd..)

Read it in books

Normal Days #89

It Could Only be You 

Well, would you look at that?

Yes it is me, to write, to scribble, to read, to memorize, to learn, to find, to smile and to explore, YOU.

I am nothing but predictable, huh. I have no shame in admitting that after all these years, after all this time and you still haunt me.

Ghosts of our memories and sound of our laughs, the witness of our burning passion and all these stars, who would have thought. And then there is you, this softness that you hide, this grace in you, so ladylike and then this raging fire to be consumed within thoroughly, every second for every little while. Engrossed in my every thought and every action, making me vulnerable oh the shine in your eyes, admiration. I reach out to trace you, trace that smile and the way you melt happily into me with a sigh and I drink it, I drink it all shamelessly, hopelessly, hungrily coz I am always afraid of this running time.

They should invent me something to make moments freeze, like one time I was looking at you, forgetting even to breathe. I literally forget where I was, I stood up and kissed you hungrily oh and there was this gasp, we had  made a scene and we were so in trouble and all that hazing it brought it was worth it as it had made us officially a couple. I want to freeze that moment when your eyes shone like embers and I knew, that you knew, you'll always be mine.

So, honey, tell me to burn, burn like constellations, always lightening with love even though falling apart. Coz no matter what, love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

And no matter where I was wrong but love and loving you was never a mistake and I'd always love you damn be the consequences.

(To be Contd..)

She will be the one

Normal Days #88

Coming Back

So, after almost 4 years here I am, again, writing, phrasing words to form something coherent, trying to cover that span of my life when I was away from all kind of social medias (not that I am on many to begin with) and yet like always I am falling short for words.

Glad how somethings don't change, eh?

Yeah, I know, you don't want me to play cute. I get it. I deserve all the hostility and all the ignorance and all the hate (?), well let's just not say that much of a negative word, yet. OK?

So, where to begin, first of all when I left all social media, twitter had changed the character count only (from 120 to 240?, right?) and though I was upset with it that time I didn't know I would see the end of it and Mr. Musk will buy it and change everything. I was saddened when I heard / read about that.

Now coming back to me (if it is really that necessary, I'd avoid me at this point **ahem**) so anyway, what I did was I studied, like real books, I prepared notes, took classes, that kind of study, did my diploma in mechanical engineering, then went ahead did a certification course in HSE and topped the class and most, by far the most important thing I did was I found the path to spiritual awakening.

I know, I know doesn't feel like much big of a deal but believe me when I tell you the bliss I feel every moment, I feel grounded and I can go on an on. And this feeling it makes my heart expand so much so that I have never felt happier.

So amidst everything going awry, everyone moving forward with their lives, there I was standing still, not witnessing nothing, not experiencing nothing, just feeling pure bliss. I have been blessed and I know it and I am happy for the time I stayed away.

And yes one more thing, I am on land now, no more offshore job, I am here in Abu Dhabi again but on land, reading, learning, witnessing magic all around me and soaking up every happiness like desert soaks up the rain.

Levitating

(To be Contd..)

Normal Days #87

 Flyers

 

I am stuck in Abu Dhabi now since Sept. 6th, 2020 and no idea when all the visa formalities will be concluded so that I could go home. It is really getting on my nerves but this is not what this write is about though. It is about my love for anime and the one which I am watching are just exceptional.

First I watched Food Wars!: Shokugeki no Soma and believe me the way it is portrayed it is just b'ful. I can understand why some of people might find it, umm, how to say it, typical anime show but once you get past that you will find all the emotions there and for me it has always been about that and it always will be about that. I am a heart break kid, I need that longing, that wistful thinking, the imagination where it all happens without the harsh realities. You know my craziness.

 Anyway..moving on..

 The thing is when I like something (be it a book, movie, show or a celebrity in that movie) I read everything about it / them, every single thing available on the web. The creator interviews, the actors' interviews, their IMDB profile, Wikipedia profile, magazine articles everything, even fandom pages (for books and authors and shows). So there I was reading about the Food Wars when I suddenly found a recommendation of a movie Kimi-no-na-wa (Your Name) and when the opening credit rolls there is this song, it is in Japanese but damn if it doesn't pull at the strings of your heart.

So here I am stuck b'ween nothingness and unknown time of frame and I find these pieces of beauty spread around. I do not know if it means anything to anyone but for me it is amazing and like Bryan Adams once sang

Well, I don't believe in miracles but that don't mean they don't come true
Well, I may not get to Heaven
But I get a little closer when I'm with you

So, no matter what I say & do always remember you are always with me even when I am the one who pushed you away and it will always be about love with me no matter what I say.

I find you amidst all the hardships going around me & my life and I find you in places & songs and I find you in the brightest of stars and darkest of hours, I will always find you in my heart even when you are not with me right now.

 

Finding Miracles

(To be Contd..)

Normal Days #86

 Big Bad World

I thought whenever I would write next it would be a good write, the way I look at the world with them rose colored glasses and all and I even had some thoughts I had penned down and I could have shared those instead and no matter how much I try to hide from the fact that there is no place where I could go and ignore this harsh reality I had to witness today.

Someone on one of the social media app today shared some disturbing stuff with some kid involved and I am raging, I am furious and I am angry at myself that I can not do anything about it. I mean what kind of world we will leave behind us. Some people justify killing poor animals, I want to know are these people who do stuff like that to a kid are they human and if anyone needs to feel manly or strong or justifying how killing a buck is so useful please let me know how killing these creatures is not justified.

I can go on and on and on about all this stuff, but if there is anything I am scared of the most is finding myself in that corner of world where someone approaches me and ask me do you like 'em young, I have 6 years old to 15 years old girls & boys for your pleasure. I would gladly do violence to that person and damn be the consequences.

I do not take pride in killing some squirrels, deer, bucks, alligators, birds, I mean, c'mon who kills poor geese and ducks, but if I had to go down I'd go down taking some of these creatures who violate kids.

And this is my space I can abhor whomever I dislike. And especially these creeps.

Death in Fire

(To be Contd..)

Normal Days #85

My Slumbering Heart

You know I am a crazy guy. I always go back to the things I said I won't do. But, in my defense, who has not fallen into the hands of love over & over again.

And I also know I should not be writing about love after my last outburst here but I am noting but predictable and a hopeless romantic at that.

**eye roll**

Shoot me now!

Lyrics, it was the lyrics this damn time. I am at shutdown; in case you are wondering what that is I won't be wasting my breath to explain that here, just know I am busy. I do not even know when it is lunch time & when the day is suddenly over & amidst all this craziness is hopeless romantic me, listening to this song (no not the one I mentioned above, totally different song. But then why didn't I mention that song in my write? We have already established I tend to confuse people, haven't we? Why am I writing in brackets again?)

Phew!

So I was listening to this song, this sweet innocence of a feeling , this feeling when you actually can feel your heart swelling in your chest, I was having that moment of pure bliss and fervently hoping one of these days you'd be in my arms.

Somebody once very close to me told me I can not love anyone as I have this insane idea about love & how to be loved, this crazy thing no human can find within themselves to portray and trust me it was told in whole other level of contempt. And then I found you, so far and yet so close to me every time I draw a breath. Our own galaxy & space, our own world and realities and I, I am listening to you amidst all those lyrics.

You Sang to Me

(To be Contd..)

 

Normal Days #84

Junk Food Junkie

Whenever I eat broccoli I think I am eating oh, so healthy! And I mean I eat just a bud.

Wait! Do you call it a "bud", the only bud I love to eat is..ahem

Let's not make it dirty. I mean I do not know who reads my weirdness but can not gross those poor people out. But really, now I am intrigued what a lil piece of broccoli or cauliflower is called?

Let me know please.

And it all started while I was sipping water and wondering if I am drinking the right amount. There is so much pressure about the right amount or way of the things.

Right amount to drink water.

Right time to have dinner.

Right food to have for b'fast & lunch.

Right ways to make love.

I mean where is the spontaneity, where is the fire, where is the hunger (& I mean for food, not for body, though I like both in abundance).

Anyway, again, let's not make it dirty.

Why can we not uncomplicate our lives a lil, why can I not screw up, though I am perfect at that. The screw-ups, not perfect in doing the right things. So today I will have boiled vegetables & spinach (ewww) for dinner and will not even look at them again for a month or two and pretend I have done my bit towards helping myself to be healthy and cleanse my body of all toxins.

I believe in believing and also that when you believe things start to happen.

Abracadabra! 😉

Let's Eat Out

(To be Cont'd..)

Normal Days #83

House on Fire

 

Today I am on berserk mode. And not in excited way, the destroyer one. I am destroying the bridges I built for people. Not in the architectural sense, the metaphorical sense, like people pleasing bridges, when you allow certain latitude to let people walk all over you, those stupid bridges. I am burning them all down. And trust me it is a long process, I mostly have to depend on others' intelligence, for example, if they sense the destruction I am on and avoid me on their own or do I have to be the direct and my own true demonic self while hurting their delicate sentiments.

 

I was reading my older posts a few days ago and God I was a pathetic guy. I mean how delusional and out of focus one can be. And I used to feel so high and mighty about them too. Like they say I was wet behind my ears, too busy seeing the world through rose colored glasses, believing every one is good inside and all those crazy things. Now I cringe when I read all that I have written. But that was the purpose of it, to teach me wisdom later on. I know deep within my heart I will always be that pathetic self but I can try to cover it up, put my energy to good use after all. Make myself feel invincible of all those crazy emotions. The thing which brought this on actually, all this "reform", please do not blame it on me, blame it on universe.

 

It is true!

 

See this is where I am jogging right now, to burn those calories and to remain a lil upbeat amidst all this crazy COVID-19 lock-down situation.

 

Do you see all that sea spread around me while I run, who has that view in this world, who feels the smell of ocean mixed with oxygen while they run, who sees the miracles of nature every other day, who can be here and not feel invincible. Yes I am on top of the world. And this is how I will feel.. Infinite like horizon and you..you can pretend you have an awesome life. 

P.S. I think this is my first write without a single word of "love" in it. 

On Top of the World

(To be Cont'd..)

 

Normal Days #82

Straight From the Heart

You will mostly find Bryan Adams's songs in my write and do not worry this is not about one of his song I am obsessed with right now.

It is so much more, so much bigger.

Well as I am writing this I am imagining in my head how exaggerated it sounded what I wrote up there and how dramatic, and I can sense your eye roll from over here. But it is all about love. It has always been about love. Has anything I have ever written been about something else? (Is it wrong that I am turned on by the grammar of this sentence and FYI this sentence has its own story, that is for some other time though, other wise this whole write will be in the brackets, and no, no rolling of eyes at me. Damn I need to get out of this bracket thing).

Finally, huh?

Whenever I feel boxed in or thrown into a room with reality I try to fade away from there, leaving those scenarios and situations happening to me & I transport myself to you. I guess I still am thinking of you. There will always be certain triggers to take me there, some songs, some movies, some books where I find you. Wait, scratch that, not some, same. I always return to same songs, same movies, same books when I have to meet you away from everyone's prying eyes. And I wonder what it would be like to finally meet you after all these years and talk to you and have some conversation. Will we be polite, like how are you and I am fine, thank you type. In the calm, in the silence, when you are really alone, even amidst the crowd (that is my favorite thing to do by the way), do you ever remember me.

Well is it not the question for ages and there is no answer to it till now & I think I have to wait till kingdom comes. Whatever it is and how much I have to wait, it was the best heartbreak one could ask for. Shall I thank you for that? (And please do not take it as an opportunity to break my heart in a better way, yes it is for you darling.)

This time it is a regional language song I will post, may be you will relate to it.

Will you cross the skies for me

(To be contd..)

Normal Days #81

I'd Write a Letter

I do not even want to get into the discussion of how late I have been in writing a new post. I already explained how I am with confrontations.

**ahem** 
Anyway, the place I am right now, spiritually, I mean and before I move further with this write let me tell you that I rarely speak in physical terms. For me it is mostly spiritual, emotional presence that matters. I can be with you but I might as well be on Pluto and speaking of Pluto, it is my favorite planet and if you are going to tell me why I am being weird or crazy, well we will never be friends, acquaintances yes, and that too we will fade away like ambers do, you have to respect Pluto when you are with me. Coming back to my presence, right now whole world is still and it reminds me of The Weepies song, 'The World Spins Madly On'. 

The world has almost stopped spinning, once again in metaphorical term, everyone is under lockdown coz of COVID-19, or as cool people are calling it RONA. And I am on my Barge in middle of ocean watching dolphins swim for me and sun shining on to their fins.. No really I saw one dolphin today.

I am witnessing wonders of nature and thinking God I am so rusty. Make me magic. 

Love Potion #9

(To be Cont'd..)   

Normal Days #80

Paperback Writer

Oh! How do I say it? Word seems to fail me. I do not know from where to start actually, how to pen down the thoughts raging in my mind since 2 days & 3 nights now. I have worked down the middle of this write & I am confident ending will sure come along. It is the beginning I can not seem to fathom for everything, relations, writes, thoughts, life, you name it I have screwed it.

Anyway, this is not about what I do wrong always, it is about those things every human being should have, a recluse, a safe place to go to. For some it is their loved ones, for some, it is their family but for some, some nomadic souls like me it is the books. And not the self help crap, I am confident (rather over confident) that there is nothing in those books which can improve the way I live. At least I will not change the way I approach the problem just because some douche said it so. But give me stories, give me fiction, give me the world where there is hope, anguish, dreams, love, lots of love coz the romantic in me does not want to give up on the mirage in lieu of reality.

I have been blessed with good friend of mine who is the reason I found all those books and all those people. And of course my mums when she introduced me to that world when I was a kid. I still believe Sherlock Holmes is real, I find Jack Reacher, Elvis Cole, Harry Potter and so many more wonderful literary creations alive even when I have finished the book. And then there is Ms. Ellen O' Connell. She gave me a thing, a love, one of its own kind which has destroyed the reality for me and I so much relate to this quote here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is this ache in my heart to feel like that, to be that much in love, to have that much of love, to build that much love, but then life happens and I am left running to more of the hideouts (read books).

 

So here I am fighting reality, immersing myself in some parallel universe, detaching myself from everything and wondering how much high I can get before reality brings me down again.

And I am reading Eyes of Silver, Eyes of Gold yet again.

 

Same Drugs

 

(To be Contd..)



Normal Days #79

I am Gonna be (500 Miles)

Infinitesimal. A small speck in this large and unknown cosmos. Everything & then nothing in this giant scheme of the universe. This and so much more I felt when I traveled to Ras Al Khaimah today from Abu Dhabi. It was a car ride and hence I could experience the infinite of sand spread around me everywhere. It was a feeling I will never forget.

I have seen oceans. I have traveled a lot and I rarely wrote about all those experiences of mine coz I feel such intense feeling that when I wish to pen 'em down I seem at loss of words. That says a lot about my vocabulary though!

Jokes aside, I feel blessed that I have seen so much and experienced the beauty & destructions of nature at first hand.

How am I blessed when I have witnessed the destructions, you ask? Well, it will be a long answer and I do not really wish to go off course with this write anyway. Coming back to Ras Al Khaimah. It is a province under UAE, same as we have states in US & India. It is one of the states of UAE. It is like one of those quaint and quiet towns where you cannot be anonymous. Consider it is a small town. Two-way roads, greenery, silent streets and the one which I admired the most is the unsynchronized way nature is here. I have been in UAE for more than 5 and a half years now, I have seen the planned cities like Abu Dhabi, Dubai, Sharjah, though I like 'em all I never would have thought that RAK will be so wonderful and magical. When we first entered the boundaries of this wonderful city it was sand on both of the sides of the highway and I never would have imagined that it would glitter like gold and suddenly it would turn into a shade of red stone. That is when I knew I had to write this down to remember this journey.

And why I took this journey? Well there is a meeting in Abu Dhabi and I am traveling with my boss and he is from RAK so I got this opportunity to see the wonders of nature on my own. The experience is so unique coz all those years I am here in UAE I had never traveled to any of the places. I left 'em to enjoy with a b'ful company. Anyway, experiencing this unsynchronized city after all the order and planning felt so refreshing. And the sand dunes, oh! if only I had a camera with me. I would have shared the beauty of the place.

Tomorrow we leave early morning and I hope to see the rising sun across the horizon and welcoming me to the new day and to the better life.

Till then like Frank Sinatra said

Come Fly With Me...

(To be Contd..)

Normal Days #78

Live Like You Were Dying

Today I wanna write about some scary stuff. It is the most dangerous thing after humans & I do not have much knowledge about it, not because I am ignorant about the magnitude of its graveness, it is more of an Ostrich kind of an attitude. "If I can not see 'em, they can not see me." I know it is not practical or realistic but neither am I. Again, it is not about my attitude towards life & its various problems, it is about CANCER!

Lately I have been hearing / reading this word way too often. I lost my colleague's sister to this disease. One of my other colleague is also fighting a battle against it. There are so many ways everyone thinks to leave this world, to make a difference, to pass on all the knowledge they have to their loved ones but this disease robs so much from everyone. I have known a survivor of this battle and yet I still refuse to acknowledge or give cancer the attention to be that important in my life.

I am scared of this disease.

I have seen it raking havoc on ppl you love. And as I am not a fighter, I do not think I would want to hang around to see ppl who love me, watch me wither away. I would just give up coz I have never been good with ultimatums & threats or someone making me to do things while holding a gun to my head. Cancer is just like that. I am scared of hospitals!

This disease, even when you defeat the crap out of it, never leaves you. Some corner of your heart always have this fear, this nagging doubt whether it is all gone or not. I send a prayer for everyone out there, every single person please never stop living your life. I know there are plans and there are schedules and there are deadlines but never, ever stop experiencing love. Tell your kids, your parents, your florist, your colleagues that you appreciate 'em, their efforts, their patience with you. And even when you can not be nice never forget ppl will forget what you said to 'em but they will never forget how you made 'em feel.

Me?

I'm Gonna Love You Through It

(To be Contd..)

Normal Days #77

Seven Spanish Angels

As I sit down to write this I am listening to 'Seven Spanish Angels' by Bryan Adams. I do not usually write about the songs as I always dedicate at the beginning and the end of each post. I do not exactly know when I started doing that and I am too lazy to go back and figure that out but I know I have written another post about a Kodaline song 'All I want'.

So here I am again writing about this song and the reason that I am doing this might contribute to the fact that I am high on emotions (good, bad, anger, love, masochism, etc..). Lately I have been reading good books, positive books and I am dreaming of this perfect world out there not worrying about the reality already knocking on my door, not worrying about anything in this moment save focusing on the lyrics and wondering the love and the times and the history of Texas.

It is no secret that I love Texas, especially those times when it was nothing but wilderness out there. I know those were terrible times & the cheapest thing out there was life and all kind of dangerous men lived out there but the hopeless romantic in me believes that life thrived even after then, even after everything was against them and later the Yankees coming down with all the force and means to destroy the independence. I have to believe there was love coz otherwise what would there be if it was not love. How would there be songs & stories like this if there were not hopes & dreams?

I am listening to this song and wondering if I am capable of loving like this. Lately I have been thinking more about what I do for ppl instead of what ppl do for me. May be it is a part of growing up and being mature but I will not think that high of myself; yet. So if I am not giving everything in love, not giving my heart out for you to do as you please with it and keep guarding some part of it how can I ask you to give it all to me?

And as I listen to the song again on repeat there are so many thoughts about those times and I am thinking that what would you think if I write here all those but then if I can't be crazy enough here where can I be?

Break my heart or keep it safe, it is all up to you coz I am giving it all this time, risking it all to love you completely and like they have said

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love never fails.

I wanna grow old with you

(To be Contd..)

Normal Days #76

Pretty Good Year

So, again, after six months or so, huh.

Yes, I am alive and I am active. It is just a habit of mine I want to shrug off, this habit where I refrain from certain good habits and then it gets too difficult to go back and yet here I am.

So 2017 was a pretty mixed year for me, professionally it was a mixed year but I passed it without any hiatus. On the personal luxury front, well, I do have some good news to share. I do not wanna boast about it but I bought a car, full payment no loans or whatsoever. It is the best feeling. To not to owe anyone. I do still feel some remorse whenever I drive it though. The carbon emission and all. Hence I don't drive much and that is why I have only 2500 KMs on it ( for my metric friendly readers  1550 miles) and it has been 9 months now.

I bought gold also, very b'ful gold earrings. I love gold, call me old fashioned but gold is what makes my eyes shine. Not the craze of diamonds or platinum, it is the luster of gold I crave for. I shall upload the pics of those earrings later it is late right now.

And finally, I bought myself the future of phones, iPhone X. I bought it and I am loving it.

Also on literally level, I am 48% fluent in Spanish. I am learning the b'ful language, maybe to impress you ;)

So if we talk next time and I greet you like hola! Cómo estás?
Don't fall in love with my accent and my broken Espanol.

Te Amo :)

To be Contd..

Normal Days #75

Human

One of the most amazing feelings I experienced today, in fact just now, gave me a slight hope and made me happy about myself. You know in today's world the most missed adventure is that we don't love ourselves. I know we say it a lot in our social media posts, we write and read about it almost every day but when we think about it, we usually either are very selfish or totally oblivious to what loving ownself means. I do not know if I love myself or not or the technicalities of the definitions set by the world of many things but I do know that I am a selfish person. A very selfish person.

No this is not one of my self-loathing posts. On the contrary today I wanted to share or tell my future self, that I still am a lil bit of human inside, not all corrupt or soulless or without morale as I project myself to others or they get the perception or whatever. I still read, though not as quite earnestly but I get by. Today when I was re-reading Without Words by Ms. Ellen O'Collenn I felt the same what I had felt when I read it the last time and it gave me hope, it gave me this feeling, a certain degree of happiness that yes I feel. I feel the pain for others, I feel this feeling of longing, the feeling to belong to someone, the feeling of loneliness and most importantly the feeling of letting go. I felt all of these feelings and before I become the person I am today, I wanted to save these dying pulses for forever so that when I would be so far along on the road of never coming back to the light again, I would know that once upon a time my heart wrenched and it was a very good feeling.

So, to my future self, read this when the world will point fingers at you and call you all kind of bad names and you go into the rabbit hole of self-hatred and rejoice in the fact that you are a very good person and those you love they can always count on you when it matters.

My Next Thirty Years

(To be Contd..)