Normal Days #93

 I can dream about you

Of all the things I should do, of all the things I should let go of, of all the things I should never let my mind dwell on and of all the ppl I should not think about and all these don'ts and do's and all the give ups and undo's, I should let go of all your memories. And yet..and yet..and yet..

You haunt me like ghosts and your memories have chained me to this ethereal world where you were mine. Hands in hands, promises of forever's, so much hope and all that love.

Damn all that love. Why reality never lets me breathe and why don't you let me go? My kind of broken who don't get fixed easily, the criticality seeped in so deeply it forbodes any feeling to prosper but selfishness. At least break me completely so that I can fix myself. This kaleidoscopic pattern of light and darkness amidst the sunshine of your smile has rendered me useless for the world and I am left for everyone as a husk of the being. Why have I allowed this hold of you on me?

Why do I let you haunt me? Do I use it as an excuse, to put all the blame on you, when I fail spectacularly? Why I always have to be this disconnected from everyone? What have I done?

**sighs**

After all these years I still do not learn. I refuse to give up, I refuse to not have hope, I refuse to not yearn for you, howl for you and pray for you. The hopeless romantic in me is always happy and I look for heartbreak in words now, coz no one broke it like you did and no one can break it like you did and no can fix it, I have come to admit it.

One of these days, like Bryan Adams once sang: 

Yeah, I've been on the road nearly all my life,

Been around the world 'bout a thousand times
Still a knock on the door makes me nervous
I think, I'll see you standing there, but no
It's only room service - room service

So, here I am stuck, not moving forward, stubbornly, childishly and hopefully. Dash my hope yourself. I think I have defeated reality. Come again, break my heart, completely this time, please. No hope whatsoever.

(To be Contd..)

Better in Time

Normal Days #92

  Let me drown

I should not read books.

I should not read books.

I should not read books.

I should not read books.

This is the mantra I will be reciting from now on. I will not read books.

Ok I will, I will always read books, I just won't read the books where I know what is going to happen, where I know the girl will die and there will be nothing but pain, there will be nothing but ache and hollowness in my heart.

For a guy who goes and looks around for the pain and heartbreak I sure crumble like paper when that happens. For all the big talks I do about heartbreaks and being a masochist, it does hurt me like a truck crashing and yet I will always crave for it, for that feeling of pain imploding in and making me miss you even more, to yearn for your little more, to crave you lil more to love you lil more. And no matter what we have learnt about all the stuff life throws at us and all the quotes about always live in the moment, we humans are always driven by our egos and the heavens laugh every time we learn a lesson but, we never learn. We take everything for granted until it is snatched away from us and no matter what anyone says "Karma is a b***." There! I used profanity, this book, this wretched book has me in pieces and I loathe myself for reading it. I loathe myself for went looking for it, I loathe myself for not listening to my mind to not go further into it, I loathe myself for reading it in a public place and I loathe myself for still letting these things to get to me.

I mean I don't understand why can not I be practical like every other person out there? Why I have to read books like that, I mean it is not like there are not other books to read and other genres to explore and yet here I am like a broken record, reading the same stupid books, same stupid heartbreaks, missing you like same stupid guy, wishing upon starts like some stupid person and then going again in search for another same stupid book. I mean why do not I grow up? Why?

So, here I am same stupid self. Refusing to let go, refusing to grow up to be a practical person and never ever, ever be the person who will not help someone who is in pain. And I know a heartache when I see one. Kindred spirit and all.

**laughs humorlessly** 

(To be Contd..)

Elastic Hearts

Normal Days #91

 Keep It a Secret

There are certain things I won’t and I don’t share with the world. I know, I know what you’d say and no they are not the materialistic or tangible things. They are the things you just can’t give to any or every other person you meet, they are things which are sacred, one you must take to your grave if you don’t find the person worthy of sharing. No shame in that, to have yourself that vulnerable, that kid like energy in you like you’re buzzing with excitement and other person just don’t feel it there with you, that is just heartbreaking. And as much I am up for a heartbreak I am not up for that kind of heartbreak ever. Hence the not sharing of certain things ever.

May be I should share these with the person as soon as I meet 'em, kind of a test if we will be compatible or not coz once we are deep down and I share these and then if they don't like it it'd be a worse kind of pain. Again, masochist in me appreciates the pain but not this kind. I love certain music, certain books (no I love all books, except self-help crap), certain thoughts and to give 'em away freely and to everyone, no can't do that.

Oh the other materialistic things they can take away all, all my money, my house, my cars, everything, I don't care about those.

No, wait, I care about my e-book reader, can't live without it. So other than all the intangible things & my e-book reader, you can have it all and everything else I will never share with random ppl out there. These are like best things that have happened to me. And I am thankful to universe I have not shared these with ANYONE, yet. I have come close, God knows I wear my heart on my sleeve but thanks to universe I never went through.

So for all the bad I do and say about me there is this part of me I have not and I will not share with anyone until I find you. So come find me and let me feel you magic.

(To be Contd..)

Helpless When She Smiles

Normal Days #90

I can read b'ween the lines

So, whenever I am not my pathetic self and writing about heart and flowers stuff, like a girl in high school, I write about books. And here I am writing about the recent reads I have had.

No, I won't do the reviews and even the reviews I do I don't quote books as such. I write what they make me feel, again, let's not make it too high schooly? Si?

So, basically coz of some good I did in alternate universe or my previous lives, lately I have found ppl who are suggesting me some good books and yes, I have gifted myself a Boox E-ink tab called Note Air 3C (more about it later in any of the other write, let's focus on books as of now). And I have been reading like crazy, thank God for that. I haven't slept for 3 nights straight and I am happy and I am devouring books like I used to do before and I feel so happy to be this disconnected from the world and to be ushered in the world of words. And I have discovered one strange fact, one I wish I didn't know but thank God for lil blessings, I am very good at ignoring things that don't concern me.

So, what's got me in a fix, you may ask? Well, when I used to read and didn't interact with people much, I knew books were divided into genres, and that was all. But lately, I've come to realize that books are also divided into periods. I mean, can't we leave anything without subjecting it to utter dissection? Is anything sacred anymore? To my horror, it's becoming a trend - postmodernism, premodernism... I mean, what's the point? Why does it matter?

And this is why I am feeling a lil, I won't say sad, just annoyed at ppl, I mean why would someone do that. Here I am enjoying a book thoroughly. loving it to pieces and suddenly someone comes and asks, "oh is this post "damn I don't read but I talk a lot about some eras & periods" era?" And I am like yes, whatever makes you happy.

Anyway, I am blessed to have ppl in my life right now who are suggesting me some books and I am reading like an alcoholic. 

And one more thing I have discovered is that my typing skills have taken a nosedive since I have started using phone and you wouldn't believe the red lines I have had under every word I have written so far. I don't like to be an experiment in the study where they show how use of mobile phones and screen time reduces person's cognitive abilities. I really need to distance myself from it, for real.

I am better off with books anyway. So, send me a prayer so that I don't distract myself away from reading, or you can send me a book recommendation, anything works, I am a cheap lay :P

(To be Contd..)

Read it in books

Normal Days #89

It Could Only be You 

Well, would you look at that?

Yes it is me, to write, to scribble, to read, to memorize, to learn, to find, to smile and to explore, YOU.

I am nothing but predictable, huh. I have no shame in admitting that after all these years, after all this time and you still haunt me.

Ghosts of our memories and sound of our laughs, the witness of our burning passion and all these stars, who would have thought. And then there is you, this softness that you hide, this grace in you, so ladylike and then this raging fire to be consumed within thoroughly, every second for every little while. Engrossed in my every thought and every action, making me vulnerable oh the shine in your eyes, admiration. I reach out to trace you, trace that smile and the way you melt happily into me with a sigh and I drink it, I drink it all shamelessly, hopelessly, hungrily coz I am always afraid of this running time.

They should invent me something to make moments freeze, like one time I was looking at you, forgetting even to breathe. I literally forget where I was, I stood up and kissed you hungrily oh and there was this gasp, we had  made a scene and we were so in trouble and all that hazing it brought it was worth it as it had made us officially a couple. I want to freeze that moment when your eyes shone like ambers and I knew, that you knew, you'll always be mine.

So, honey, tell me to burn, burn like constellations, always lightening with love even though falling apart. Coz no matter what, love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

And no matter where I was wrong but love and loving you was never a mistake and I'd always love you damn be the consequences.

(To be Contd..)

She will be the one

Normal Days #88

Coming Back

So, after almost 4 years here I am, again, writing, phrasing words to form something coherent, trying to cover that span of my life when I was away from all kind of social medias (not that I am on many to begin with) and yet like always I am falling short for words.

Glad how somethings don't change, eh?

Yeah, I know, you don't want me to play cute. I get it. I deserve all the hostility and all the ignorance and all the hate (?), well let's just not say that much of a negative word, yet. OK?

So, where to begin, first of all when I left all social media, twitter had changed the character count only (from 120 to 240?, right?) and though I was upset with it that time I didn't know I would see the end of it and Mr. Musk will buy it and change everything. I was saddened when I heard / read about that.

Now coming back to me (if it is really that necessary, I'd avoid me at this point **ahem**) so anyway, what I did was I studied, like real books, I prepared notes, took classes, that kind of study, did my diploma in mechanical engineering, then went ahead did a certification course in HSE and topped the class and most, by far the most important thing I did was I found the path to spiritual awakening.

I know, I know doesn't feel like much big of a deal but believe me when I tell you the bliss I feel every moment, I feel grounded and I can go on an on. And this feeling it makes my heart expand so much so that I have never felt happier.

So amidst everything going awry, everyone moving forward with their lives, there I was standing still, not witnessing nothing, not experiencing nothing, just feeling pure bliss. I have been blessed and I know it and I am happy for the time I stayed away.

And yes one more thing, I am on land now, no more offshore job, I am here in Abu Dhabi again but on land, reading, learning, witnessing magic all around me and soaking up every happiness like desert soaks up the rain.

Levitating

(To be Contd..)